its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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