you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
