Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
