So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i will never coherently bang her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
