I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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