Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
