If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
