I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
