Just mADE A PArabola og urine
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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