i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
