did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
