so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
