Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
