Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
