I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
