I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
