How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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