Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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