finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
