I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My feet surprised me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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