Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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