Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
