if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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