my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
