There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
