i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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