He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
