I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
