So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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