I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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