I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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