Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
