you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize