I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
