Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
