you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
