No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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