How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
