When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize