She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
