I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
