All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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