if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
