I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can't put those talents on a resume
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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