Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
