I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
