Well apparently he's into motor boating.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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