Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
