He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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