i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
