we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
