but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
