a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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