you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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