Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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