STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
