Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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