So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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