you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
