I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
