Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize