don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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