I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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