There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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