I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
