I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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