I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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