yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
