i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
